


What hurts the most

by Ailendolin



Series: Lost and Found [1]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Loss, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 19:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13596546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ailendolin/pseuds/Ailendolin
Summary: Her Gabriel comes back but in the end he's still lost to her.





	What hurts the most

**Author's Note:**

> "Spoilers up to and including Episode 1x14 "The War Without, the War Within")
> 
> So, after watching the latest episode I couldn't help but be intrigued by Admiral Cornwell's character development. She is my favorite character and that scene on the bridge after they arrive at Starbase 1 made me wonder how much loss she had to have endured over the nine months Discovery was lost. Thus, this fic was born. 
> 
> I am not a native English speaker and this story is not beta'd, so don't hesitate to point out any mistakes I have made. 
> 
> The title comes from a Rascal Flatts song of the same name. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned here and make no profit with this work. The characters and settings are property of CBS.

**What hurts the most**

She is tired.

She’s been tired for weeks, months, years it feels, her exhaustion slowly creeping up on her more and more with each day they spend at war. There is a tiredness in her bones that sometimes leaves her barely able to summon the will to get out of bed in the morning, and it’s not just in the places the Klingons prodded and broke and wrecked. She knows she’s slowly reaching her breaking point because she begins to wish for this all to end, one way or another. All this fighting, all this death and destruction that never leaves her, not even in her sleep – she just wants it to stop.

She used to think she was stronger than this, once upon a time when she was still young and idealistic and fought tooth and nails for her principles.  Now there is almost nothing left to fight for and nothing left to fight with, and that’s the problem. Seeing the aftermath of the destruction of Starbase 1 had been the final straw. They’ve been losing for months and there’s no denying it anymore. Their desperation to try almost anything to turn the war around attests to that, and she hates herself and Starfleet Command a little more each day for stooping so low and turning to ghosts for salvation – and they couldn’t have found a more malicious one than Emperor Georgiou.

Something died in her the day she met the Emperor for the first time. She’d known Philippa in the past, had been her captain for a brief but wonderful time many years ago, and she still remembers the way the tears stung her eyes and her chest tightened painfully when she heard about the Battle of the Binary Stars and its outcome. It had been the first blow in a long series of devastating personal and professional losses. Seeing her former Number One again, looking almost the same but holding herself so very differently, hit her almost as hard as the news of her death had.

And now, standing in front of sickbay, she is about to meet another ghost of her past and one she is even more emotionally connected to. She isn’t sure if she wants to go in and face her nightmares but as vice admiral she has no choice. She has her orders and it is her duty to find out how he – how _they_ – came aboard and to determine what is to be done with them. So she squares her shoulders, takes a deep breath and mentally braces herself against her emotions as she steps through the doors into the brightly lit room.

His eyes find hers immediately and she sees relief and hopefulness there as the doors close behind her. He looks achingly familiar and she feels the phantom touch of almost identical hands searing betrayal into her skin. It takes all of her strength to hold his gaze and not look away. She feels trapped and wants to run.

“Kat! Oh, thank god you’re alright.”

She almost huffs out a laugh and resolutely steps closer to him. She hasn’t been alright in a very long time. But there is no way for him to know that, of course. He hasn’t seen her in … months? Years? She doesn’t even know when and where reality ended and the lies began. It’s one of many things that keep her up at night.

“Captain Lorca, I presume?”

Gabriel’s hopeful expression crumbles into confusion. “Of course I’m – Kat, who else would I be?”

She raises an eyebrow at him. “I don’t know, maybe an imposter from another universe?”

His confusion turns into horror as the color drains from his face. “He was here.”

“He was,” she confirms. “Tell me your serial number.”

He does and it’s the correct one but they both know it’s not enough to confirm his identity, not officially. In her heart, however, she knows it’s him. There is something familiar in his eyes that she remembers from happier times, something the other one was missing. She could still kick herself that she hadn’t trusted her gut feeling back then. She’d known something was off and terribly wrong with him but she’d put it down to PTSD. That had been her fatal mistake, no matter what Sarek or anyone said. That one was on her and her alone. If she’d reported him before she got captured maybe the war would have been won. She let her personal feelings cloud her judgment and lived to regret it. She wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

“Kat, what did he do?” Gabriel asks warily, pulling her out of her thoughts. “What happened?”

Such a loaded question, she thinks. “A lot,” is what she finally settles on. Quietly, she adds, “Too much.”

“What did he do?” Gabriel repeats. “Tell me, please.”

His voice is so gentle and like balm to her weary soul but when he reaches for her she flinches back violently. “Don’t,” is all she says, and she hates herself for it.

“Oh, Kat,” he murmurs quietly. There’s a pained look in his eyes as realization sinks in and the way he’s tightly clasping his hands in his lap tells her more than anything how much he wants to reach out to her again. She’s grateful that he doesn’t. She didn’t come here for comfort.

“He is dead, or so I’ve been told. It doesn’t matter,” she says firmly even though it does, at least to her. Too many people have recently risen from the dead and she’s afraid she’s never going to be able to get a peaceful night of sleep again as long as there’s even the off-chance that he’s still out there somewhere, that he could be coming back. She shudders and pushes the thought away. “Tell me what happened to you.”

It’s a long story and he tells it calmly though the pain and regret don’t leave his eyes when he looks at her. It’s also the first time either one of them acknowledges the third person in the room. “She was part of the Resistance and helped me find my way home,” Gabriel explains. She hates the fond look he gives the other her. “I couldn’t leave her behind, Kat. She would have died.”

Something like bile rises in her throat as she looks at her counterpart. It truly is like looking in a mirror, she thinks as she takes in the slightly longer hair that’s pulled up in a messy ponytail and the all-too-similar worry lines that mar her face. There’s a spark in the eyes of her mirror image she herself lost a long time ago and she can’t help but wonder how she managed to retain it under Terran reign. She knows she probably should feel relieved that the other her fought against the empire and not for it but all she feels is devastation and so much loss when she looks into her own eyes.

Two of them is one too many, after all.

Still, she puts on a brave smile and holds out her hand. “Admiral Katrina Cornwell, welcome on board.”

Her other self’s expression is filled with quiet sympathy. “Just Katrina Cornwell. At your service, Admiral.”

She nods and takes a step back. It’s too much and she needs to get out of here. “Sarek will be with you shortly. After we’ve confirmed your stories you will be assigned to quarters and given restricted access. Starfleet Command will debrief you as soon as possible.” Her lips pull up in a self-deprecating smile. “It’s going to take a while, so you might as well get comfortable.”

With that she turns around and leaves, ignoring Gabriel’s calls for her to wait. She barely makes it to her quarters before she throws up the meager breakfast she’s had.

* * *

Another sleepless night and exhausting day at the brink of existence later she sits in her quarters which used to be his, staring at the bottle of whiskey they left behind all those months ago. The urge to drink it is almost as strong as the urge to throw it against the nearest wall. She gives in to neither. Instead she stares out at the stars and remembers the little girl that used to dream about the wonders of space. She’d been happy, then, with a father who was still around and a mother who had not yet forgotten how to smile.

But that little girl is in the past now and in her place is a woman who finally understands how a person can lose the will to put on a smile for the rest of the world. Tired and battle-weary as she is she can’t even remember the last time she’d been truly happy. Happiness is something that’s been eluding her for some time now. Unwillingly, she remembers the look her Gabriel had given the other her – a stark reminder that even a happy occasion like his return means one more defeat for her.

At the sound of her door chime she takes a deep breath and steels herself for whatever bad news wait for her. It’s all there ever is now. Only years of experience keep her surprise and wariness off her face when she sees who her visitor is. “Captain Lorca.”

Gabriel inclines his head. “Admiral. I hope I’m not disturbing you this late but I was wondering if we could talk.”

He makes no move to enter her quarters. His eyes are calm and sincere and just as blue as on the day they met at the Academy. Back then it had not even taken him a year to stop bothering to ask for permission to enter her quarters and instead simply came and went whenever he felt like it. What she wouldn’t give to go back to those carefree days when her greatest worry was passing her tests.

“Come in,” she says finally.

The doors shut behind him and she watches him like a hawk as he comes closer and gestures to the couch. “May I?”

His proximity makes her acutely aware of the fact that she’s only wearing trousers and a black tank top. It makes her feel more exposed than she’s comfortable with. “Sit,” she says, standing up and walking into her bedroom. “I’m just going to grab a jacket.”

“It is rather cold in here,” Gabriel comments and she knows it’s meant to put her at ease. It was something he used to do whenever she felt uncomfortable or upset and at the time she’d been grateful for it. Now it only serves as a reminder to what she’s lost. She allows herself a moment to breathe though it before she grabs her uniform jacket and pulls it on over her tank top. She steps back out into the living area and stops when she sees him holding the whiskey.

“Yours?” he asks, amused.

“Yours, actually,” she says, forcing herself to move. Her voice trembles slightly and she can’t meet his eyes. “These were his quarters.”

Gabriel grimaces and puts the whiskey down out of her line of sight. “Of course.”

She sits down next to him and straightens her back. “What can I help you with, Captain?”

“Captain?” he asks quietly. “Is that really necessary, Kat? You already know I’m me. Your me.”

She closes her eyes against the storm of emotions that threatens to overwhelm her. “You haven’t been mine in a long time, Gabriel.”

He sighs. “Is this about him or her?”

“Both, neither.” She shrugs. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Really? It doesn’t matter?” he says, clearly unimpressed. “That from the woman who told me that everything matters, always. Every word, every emotion, everything not said.”

She brings up her hand. “Stop, Gabriel, please. Just say what you came here to say.”

His eyes soften and for a moment she gets lost in them, and in their shared past. She remembers a night of watching the Perseid meteor shower with him. He’d looked at her just like that back then, too, telling her she was more beautiful than any star in the universe. It still makes her heart ache to think about it, even now.

“I wanted to apologize,” Gabriel begins. She can’t help but notice how tightly he wrings his hands. Hers remain still and cold in her lap. “I know it’s not my fault I crossed universes and couldn’t contact you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel sorry for it. You look like you’ve been through hell. I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me.”

His hand twitches but stays where it is. She swallows around the lump in her throat and looks at him. “So do I,” she admits in a quiet voice. “War has not been kind to any of us.”

“War is never kind,” he agrees softly. “I’ve seen what it does, in the other universe. The Resistance is barely holding on and surviving on a day to day basis. I was shocked when Sarek told me that the Federation isn’t faring much better here. And you … you seem to have resigned yourself to that. That’s not like you.”

Anger wells up in her though it’s tempered by the same resignation he accuses her of. “Not like me? Really, Gabriel? You don’t even know who I am.”

“How can I if you won’t talk to me?” he asks. He makes as if to touch her and she flinches back, putting some distance between them. He freezes in shock but she doesn’t notice.

“What do you want me talk about, Gabriel?” she asks, hating how shaky her voice sounds even to her own ears. “Do you want me to describe in every detail how the other you used our relationship against me? How he pointed a phaser at me in bed? Or do you want to hear about the time he left me to die on a Klingon ship? Because I can give you his personal logs, Gabriel. In some way they are yours, anyway.”

“You were a prisoner of the Klingons?” Gabriel asks quietly, shocked. There’s a look of such utter devastation and horror on his face that it makes her pause. “For how long?”

Breathing heavily, she says, “Weeks? Months? I don’t remember. Long enough.”

“God, Kat,” he says. His eyes are full of heartbreak and she has to look away.

“I was barely recovered – still on crutches – when all hell broke loose,” she goes on, a little more steadily. “The Klingons were gaining ground and we were left scrambling in their wake. One Starbase fell after another. Ship after ship was destroyed. By now Starfleet Command is almost completely wiped out. I’ve seen things and done things that haunt me day and night. Is this what you want to hear, Gabriel?” She spread out her arms. “That the person who helps people put their lives back together is just as broken as her patients nowadays? Pretty ironic, isn’t it? The shrink needing a shrink.”

There are tears in his eyes as he stares at her mutely.

She smiles grimly. “And you know what? Even though I told myself that you were dead, that you had to be dead because no one could survive that awful other universe alone, some part of me still hoped you were alive and would come back to me. And here you are.” She lets out a choked laugh. “You came back, just not alone, and not to me.”

He shakes his head in despair. “I couldn’t leave her, Kat. She’s … she’s you,” he says helplessly.

“No, Gabriel,” she says, “she is not me. She may look like me and share some of my beliefs and ideals but she is her own person with her own past. We are not the same.”

“I’m aware of that,” he interjects. “She never met the other me in her universe, never studied with him, served with him. We share no memories.”

“Except for the last year,” she can’t help but point out even though it pains her.

Gabriel nods. “Except for those. She was there when I needed someone and I –“

She holds up a hand to stop him. “Don’t do this to me, Gabriel. Not now.” She takes a shaky breath. “Not when I’ve just lost you all over again.”

“But you haven’t, Kat,” Gabriel tries.

She narrows her eyes at him. “Yes I have and we both know it. You’re with her. Don’t insult either of us by claiming otherwise. I am not yours anymore and you are not mine. We both need to come to terms with that.”

He blinks and tears drip down his nose as he bows his head. “I am so sorry, Kat.”

She smiles bravely at him and blinks her own tears away. “I know. I am, too.”

“Where do we go from here?” he asks finally, sounding as defeated as she feels. She doubts the feeling will ever leave.

“I go back to fighting a war,” she says. “You go back to her. We survive.”

Gabriel looks at her, stricken. “That’s it?”

She nods and forces her voice to remain steady even though her heart is breaking quietly and with a finality that frightens her. “That’s it.”

“Will you be okay?” he asks in a small voice.

The answer to that is simple. “No. I shouldn’t even be in command right now, to be honest, but there is no one else to take my place and no time to heal. But I’ll manage. I have so far.”

Gabriel is silent for a moment. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you but you are the bravest person I have ever known,” he whispers. “And the strongest, too. May I?” He gestures to her trembling hand and she nods, needing to feel him one last time in the hope that her mind will remember this in the future instead of the other’s touch. His hands are warm and gentle and so achingly familiar as they cradle hers. The tenderness of the gesture takes her breath away and makes her miss him even more. “I love you, Kat. I want you to know that. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I promise you here and now that I will always be there for you, no matter what. I know it’s not enough and you deserve so much more but for what it’s worth I’ll always have your back. I’ll never leave you behind.”

He presses a soft, gentle kiss onto her knuckles and carefully releases her hands. She fights for her composure as she watches him stand up and make his way to the door. “Gabriel? Make her happy, alright?”

He nods. “I’ll try.”

“Goodbye, then,” she whispers.

For the last time, he gifts her with that smile that used to be reserved only for her but she isn’t that special anymore. “Farewell, Kat.”

The doors hiss close behind him. Cold, tired and so very much alone she finally allows the tears to fall.

* * *

She is woken hours later by the droning sound of a red alert.

“Admiral,” Saru’s gentle voice says over the noise, “please report to the bridge. We have several Klingon vessels on our long-range sensors heading towards us.”

She closes her eyes, wondering if this will ever end, and when. “All hands to battle stations and shields up, Mr. Saru,” she orders as she drags herself up from the couch she’s been sleeping on for the last few weeks. Her joints ache and there’s a pain in her lower back that reminds her all too well of what it means to lose against the Klingons. She may be tired of all the fighting, tired of all the loss in her life, but she will not allow her crew to suffer the same fate. So she straightens her back, holds her head up high and prepares herself for battle.

“I am on my way, Commander.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I'm sorry for making Katrina even more sad but I wanted to explore a scenario where she gets her Lorca back - but not completely. I really like the idea of Mirror!Kat in the Resistance and helping Prime!Lorca back to our universe and wouldn't mind seeing something like that in the season finale or season 2, I'm not picky *g* 
> 
> I'm also interested in your opinions regarding Kat's reaction to Mirror!Kat's relationship with her Gabriel. As you've read I think she'd step aside and wouldn't fight for him, at least in the frame of mind she's in right now after being at war for so long. I'd love to hear different views of that and I certainly wouldn't mind reading fics about it ;-) 
> 
> That being said, I hope you enjoyed this little story! And I hope we'll get to see more of Katrina Cornwell in the next season!


End file.
